Yes, my friends, it's true! I have DISCOVERED a SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION for the MIRACLE of Jesus Christ feeding a multitude of people (about 30, I think. That was quite a few back in them days) when there was NO FOOD TO BE FOUND!!
Amazingly, I found the secret to this miracle in MY OWN KITCHEN, whilst reheating a delicious, and juicy, hamburger that had been prepared earlier by my devoted and loving wife.
(I would like to show you a photograph of the devoted and loving wife, but she has informed me that she "NEVER!" wants her picture to appear on "that website". Huh.)
Now, you must understand that this is not one of those $49 microwaves you find in some starving college student's dormitory. No sir. This is a real fancy-schmancy jobber with lots of buttons and gizmos that do all sorts of neat things to food if you bother to read the owner's manual. I mostly just reheat hamburgers.
A Great Miracle EXPLAINED!!*
*This website intended for humorous purposes only. Emotionally unstable religious fanatics need not expend undue amounts of energy expediting my untimely demise. You want something constructive to do with your time? I hear my neighbor may be a Devil Worshipper, and hates golf to boot.
Well, anyway, enough about me and my culinary prowess. On this particular occasion, I meant to press my favorite button, REHEAT, but I inadvertently pushed one of those mysterious buttons, the one called FISH!
Well, I'm sure you can IMAGINE my surprise when I returned to find my hamburger had been transformed into a FISH! Turns out that crazy FISH button is linked to the microwave's transmogrification circuitry.
Hey, I said it was a FISH. I didn't say it was a PRETTY FISH
Well, just to be certain the first transmogrification wasn't just a fluke (HA! Fluke! Get it?) I reloaded the microwave with one of my kid's action figures. Captain Asswhoop or somethin', I'm not really sure. Then I pressed that crazy button again....
Is this the end of Captain Asswhoop?
By now you've probably guessed the result. I returned a few minutes later to find that Captain Asswhoop had been transmogrified into A FISH! Just like my hamburger! I repeated the experiment several more times, using all sorts of objects. Rocks, socks, golf balls my neighbor threw back over the fence, you name it. Every time the result was the same. I returned to find the object had been changed into some sort of queer-looking fish.
Looks better than the first one, eh?
Well, that pretty much raps it up. I have scientifically proven that when Jesus fed all those people, he just used a microwave. As long as there was a plentiful supply of rocks and he paid his electric bill, he just kept on pumping out the fish sandwiches. Pretty neat "miracle", huh?
Mmm...MMmm!! Daddy's eatin' good tonight!!
Lookit all dem crazy buttons