Play the scary background music for full effect!

When my wife and I first bought our home everything seemed normal at first. But soon I began to realize that there was something STRANGE about the house next door, and its inhabitants.

I first noticed there is something amiss with all the windows in the home, they had all been replaced, but not with new windows that fit properly into the existing openings. No, the homeowner instead had chosen to buy ill-fitting windows from a leftover construction material re-seller. All the windows in the house are 30 to 50% smaller than they had once been.

The windows are dingy and dirty, never washed. Each window has a curtain, AND a shade, and these are always drawn. Clearly someone wants the house to be as dark and stifling as possible, AND make certain nobody outside can see what gruesome activities go on inside the home!

Ta-Da!! A perfect fit!


I am convinced the man of the house may be a vampire! He is virtually never seen outside in the sunlight. He leaves early in the morning for work, quickly scurrying out the side door to his truck, parked practically on top of the little side porch.

At the end of the day he scurries just as quickly from the truck back to the dark confines of the creepy house. I calculate he gets less than an hour in the sunlight every year. Apparently vampires don't need much vitamin D.
One day I managed to snap his picture just before he disappeared back into the mausoleum...

Howdy neighb.....II-YI-YI-YI-YI!!!!

The vampire has a beat-up, rusty, rotting, old boat trailer stored behind his shed. I have never seen this trailer get used. I think he takes it out at night and uses it to bring back the bodies of his victims.

Just needs a fresh coat of paint!

Once he has returned, under the cover of darkness, with his victims' bodies, I believe he stashes them under the little side porch. There is what appears to be a trap door on the top of the porch. It's either that, or the worst hillbilly repair job I've ever seen. Just throw down a sheet of plywood and pound in a couple nails, and... YER DONE! After that rots away, just repeat the process. Mark my word, one day the FedEx man is going to fall right through that fucking thing.

Another quality repair by MR. FIXXITT!
Note the attention to detail.


I believe the vampire is married to A NECROMANCER!! A necromamcer can speak with the spirit of a dead person, for the purpose of divination.

A necromacer.

Another necromancer. Damn! Too bad the neighbor doesn't look like this one, knowhuddamean?

Unfortunately for her, I think she is communicating with a pessemistic poltergeist who is only capable of conveying two messages from the land of the dead. The first message is...
"Death awaits you! Behind... that tree! And that... fencepost! And that... ROCK!!! And that..." blah blah blah blah blah...

The second message from the Great, Mysterious Beyond is "Don't forget to pick up a new bottle of yellow hair dye soon."

These constant messages of impending doom have left her virtually paralyzed, unable to leave the safety of her own property unless she is driving in her NUV. (Necromancer's Utility Vehicle) She lives about 500 feet from the post office, and every day she has to climb in the NUV to get the mail. In the ten+ years I've lived next to the necromancer I have seen her leave her property on foot all of three times. Each time she was accompanied by the vampire, who walked with her, holding her trembling, doomed hand.

But on the bright side, her hair looks fantastic.

The GHOST...

So what do you get when you cross a VAMPIRE with a NECROMANCER?
Why, you get a GHOST, of course!
Rarely seen, enjoying only fleeting contact with the living, their son is virtually trapped inside the life-sucking confines of the mausoleum.
As a child, The Ghost was not allowed out much. He wasn't allowed to play with the young kids across the street because after all, THEY played ON THE GRASS!
When The Ghost rode his bicycle he was only allowed to ride on the sidewalk to... the end of my driveway, where he had to turn around and go back toward the mausoleum. That's all of about 60 feet, for those of you keeping score at home.
The Ghost didn't get to spend a lot of time in school, either. Riding on the school bus was out of the question. The Necromancer KNEW what sort of things went on on the school bus! Some young hussy might give her baby a handjob in the back seat! No, The Ghost was shuttled to and from school every day in the NUV.
Eventually The Ghost was pulled out of school altogether to be home schooled. He was shuttled back and forth only to go to band class. Even as a teenager, riding his bike to school was forbidden, the school is a full three-quarters of a mile away, you understand.

Person 1: "Say, isn't that the neighbor's kid?"
Person 2: "They have a KID!!?!?

GIFS courtesy of