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THE INCOMING EMAIL:
Dear Sir, Mr name is Youssef Boutros Ghali, former finance Minister under Hosin Mubaraku, who resigned under intense pressure from protesters.
l have been charged for corruption but the court has cleared me. when i was the Finance Minister I had the sum of US$12.5 million,which was deposited in security Company Oversea's under the assistant of President Hosin Mubaraku of Egypt. l need your assistant for us to re-lodge this fund into a private account under my assistant as the depositor, which will benefit bboth of us.
l wanted us to disburse the fund as follows 50/50 .Please this message is highly confidential, even if you are not interested but lf you are interested, kindly email me to my private email address for mo re details.
Yours faithfully, Youssef B. Ghali
Here is the email I sent back...
Dear Mr. Ghali, I am not interested in your offer but I am interested.
I think splitting the $12.5 million 50/50 is not generous enough for both of us. I propose a 60/60 split so we can each have more.
Please send me more details but do not send me more details.
Sincerely but not sincerely,
-Lakweesha Havoc
THE INCOMING EMAIL:
We the International Monetary Fund Investigation Department hereby brings to your notice a claim by one Sharon Stain-rod from Mount Vernon, NY. She claims that you are very sick with cancer of the Brain which the doctor has certified that you have less than two weeks to live and because of this, you made her your representative of your fund inheritance worth $8.5 MillionUnited States Dollars.
We were also made to understand that Sharon Stain-rod has already presented to them all the necessary documentation’s evidencing your claim purported to have been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund valued at US$8.5million, but the BANK did the wise thing by insisting on hearing from you personally before they can go ahead on wiring your funds. That was the main reason why they contacted us (IMF) investigation Department so as to assist them in making the investigations. You are to confirm if you actually sent her. Do contact me as soon as you receive this email so as to follow up with your payment case and also to investigate related matters. Best Regards, Mr.Bobby Jones
Here is the email I sent back...
Dear Mr. Jones, It is good that you have contacted me. Ms. Stain-rod is a known flimflam artist and I have had some personal experience with her and her hornswoggling ways.
It is true that I recently had a bout of the brain cancer, but thanks to a very renowned brain cancer specialist, Dr. Frances ("Frank") Neil Stein of the Rochester Brain Cancery Institute and Veterinary Clinic, my cancer is now in remission. There are some minor lingering side effects; I urinate uncontrollably when I hear the word cumquat, I have an overwhelming urge to respond to emails from strangers, and I have become a nymphomaniac with a midget fetish.
This last side effect has led Sharon to make this false claim that she is my legal representative. You see, I was romantically involved with her and one day the circus was in town and, well, Sharon caught me in the act of having sex with several midgets in clown costumes. You would be surprised how many women you can have sex with at the same time when they are only three feet tall. They stack together quite tightly. Sharon became enraged and swore she would get revenge. Then she made the midget clowns all pile back in their clown car and leave.
Sharon is not my legal representative, she is just a jealous, angry ex-lover trying to get her hands on my money. Please tell me what I must do to prevent this.
-Lakweesha Havoc
THE INCOMING EMAIL:
Basically, I was told my great uncle had died and left me TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS. But some woman claimed I had been horribly injured in a car accident, so she should get the inheritance.
I know, it doesn't make sense, but who cares.
The email goes on to say I need to go to this website...
http://www.car-accidents.com
...and confirm if I was in one of the accidents pictured on the site.
SO I DID.
The website has HUNDREDS of photos of wrecked cars. 
OK? Got all that?
Here is the email I sent back...
D Ear mr . Hon. Dakuku A. Peterside,
I hupe yup well Ecxusd my poir ty pung in mu rep;y.
I dan asxure hou tjat i AM trujy newt of kim to my beLived grezt Unkle, mArl QIlxon.
I cab also assurw yoi that i Wax in faxt fatalky inguREd and hOrreblye didFivured im a carT acvidemt and Ab typibg thId frog my DEstbeddd, bug An not Imkapercitaterd.
yoU Bay not beLirve thid, bug I REview d thr PhOtox on thw wwbSide, and az ig turDS owt, I waz AKTually invovled ID ALL THE axcidrnts!!
Evrey fuvLing ond of thim! Howx THAG fir baf lukc?
Now I Haze to type wuth mu Lrft eer.
Pledsw teld me whit I NERd to do ti stolp thag lYibg bitgh SareH frem gertinb her habns om my minEY!
-Lakweesha Havoc
THE INCOMING EMAIL:
MR MARK JAMES writes:
Reconfirm your Address,mobile for delivery of your ATM card $10.M
That's it. That's the entire email right there.
Here is the email I sent back...
OK, now you fuckers are just getting lazy.
Put some god-damned effort into it, will ya?
-Lakweesha Havoc